Hi my wonderful peeps, hope you are all good.

What a roller coaster of a week it’s been. Phew I’m glad it’s Friday.

I’m back again!! Not sure how long for though, I’m starting to feel a tad better, palpitations are slowing down every now and again, but the pain seems to be more constant rather than coming and going.

Off to the docs next week to discuss the HRT, to see if it’s possible to have a different one, had to stop due to the heart palpitations, then in the afternoon of the same day off to the hospital to be fitted with my 24 hour ECG machine.

Monday. started off good then by the evening it went downhill, I awoke on a very positive note full of enthusiasm, I have no idea where it went wrong I just seemed to slump.

Tuesday. I’m not sure where Tuesday went, I don’t even remember it, (just another side effect of my illness), I do know it wasn’t good, I have a very strong feeling of that, I know that I have been in a cycle of sleep, eat ice-cream, eat biscuits repeat.

Wednesday. So today was my check in with cardio nurse and monthly weigh-in, as soon as she said I had gained, that’s was it, it was as though my whole world had collapsed in that second, the tears flowed no they didn’t flow there was a bloody river, and I was sinking and sinking fast, would I ever be able to float again, all my self doubt came to the surface, I was useless, I knew I would fail at this weight loss journey, I knew what everyone was saying behind my back that I was a failure, that they were right, that I’m so Goddamn stupid, thinking I could do this, I knew in that minute I had given up, that these past few months were proof that I am an A1 Failure, it was there on the scales in front of me YOUR A FAILURE HA HA.

My weight gain, the gain that through me into such a state was a gain of 0.1kg / 4oz that is all, I think hearing the word gain, was the word that tipped me over the edge, I believe Wednesday was the day I hit rock bottom and as we know from there, there is only 1 way and that is up.

I think sometimes you have to hit the bottom, to be able to get out all your emotions, frustrations etc, to be able to deal with them.

Thursday. My father in law was laid to rest, I think it was amazing that the funeral was broadcast live to New Zealand so that his daughter could be part of the celebration of her father’s life, Neil’s ex wife did an amazing job of keeping his memory alive with a reading she had found, it was just perfect and truly fitting of a well loved man, along with his grandchildren making sure that the service was just as Alan wanted it to be, a celebration not a mourning.

Friday. I seem to be lifting slightly, yesterday it was very hard trying to be strong for everyone else, I did falter a few times as I’m struggling with my own mental health at the moment, but I hope I did well enough.

I know that I need to get back in the kitchen to try and remain positive, and that’s just what I did, it was a struggle mentally as well as physically, but I really need to listen to my good thoughts more often, Il get there, but I know now not to put a timeline on it.

Breakfast was my usual fruit, honey and Yogurt plus plenty of coffee.

Lunch was also my usual seafood salad.

For tea I made cheesy, herb crusted stuffed chicken with roasted veggies.

• 

• 

• 

Desert was baked fruit with yogurt and honey.

Iv had a few biscuits today, purely because they were… In the house, but I don’t feel guilty as guess what? I’m not perfect, nobody is and weight loss is a very hard mind game and we really mustn’t let it get us down.

Exercise I managed a bit of walking, I’m seriously going to make that body suit radiator ha ha, on the days that it really is to cold that it would inflict a great deal more pain on me I’m going to dig out the wii and play some exercise games on that.

Thank you for letting me ramble on.

Wherever you are whatever your doing smile XOXO

Please free to share, comment and tag my page.